I have discovered the tremendous and profound power of letting our authentic emotional experience be felt, connecting with and ‘sitting’ with that.

I give a lot of credit to Authentic Relating and the book by Ryel Kestano. In a short introductory course, I was invited to observe any thoughts that were occurring, and then to check what I was feeling in my ‘heart’, i.e., what was my emotional experience. I suddenly realised that I felt a huge sense of vulnerability, and that I was probably trying to conceal that from myself. It felt such a relief to acknowledge it and let it be felt. It was an unburdening.

We hold a code, a kind of blueprint, in our minds that dictates what we deem to be acceptable (public) performance, and what is not acceptable. If we fail (according to the blueprint), we are instantly horrified by ourselves. Our instinct is to hide this unacceptable conduct from ourselves, deflect attention or repair it somehow. We do it automatically and subconsciously. But we also do a great injury to ourselves by keeping this part of ourselves hidden and unexpressed. It is banished like some unwanted child. We don’t even acknowledge its existence.

When we do have these ‘unacceptable’ emotions, of course we really need to be understanding and empathetic with ourselves. We need to find a way to see that they make total sense.

So, I’m working on the process of shifting from self-censorship to self-empathy. For example, this morning, I knocked a little dried-flower-filled vase off a café table as I exited the gap. Feelings of shame and embarrassment arose, but I didn’t try to banish them. I let them rest.

I keep thinking that these supposedly unacceptable and unpalatable emotions are supreme. They matter more than anything. They matter more than anything that the ‘inner critic’ (Internal Family Systems) has to say.

What’s also interesting about sitting with an emotion is that you can observe any drives inside of you to try to divert internal attention elsewhere. So many of our behaviours are attempts to cover-up. For instance, I might be feeling inadequate, but I find that I am driven towards talking in a strong, opinionated way to try to regain control.

By accepting the most ‘unacceptable’ and vulnerable parts of myself, I can also begin to accept the idea of other people seeing them, too.