I quit.  I was made redundant.  I was let go. Or however you landed at club unemployed, I welcome you.

I’m here to share some of my realities since my lovely job was snatched out of my now Universal Credit-claiming claws.  Apart from steadily raising the bar on all past professional achievement, here are some other things I’ve done to get by.

1. Watched a series’ worth of episodes of Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares.
2. Sat in an M&S café on a Friday night and talked to strangers about loneliness.
3. Took more hot baths during daylight hours than I care to estimate.
4. Refused to be intimidated by a man pissing himself in front of me whilst walking out of the jobcentre at 11am, by remaining on his side of the road.
5. Full disclosure: It’s Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares U.S. And I’ve started to record it so I don’t miss any when I’m out. Which, let’s face it, isn’t that often.
6. Cried over jobs I didn’t get.
7. Stitched, ate, swiped, bathed, and walked my way through the revolving door of rejections.
8. Cradled a fellow dolemate (gettit?) for 5 soothing hours whilst the rest of the world was at work.
9. Made a lot of porridge.
10. Worried over spending more nights in than out.
11. Over-cared for the plants on my bedroom window ledge.
12. Battled trauma of past toxic working situations whilst writing every new application.
13. Slept in my housemate’s bed for a weekend to avoid dealing with some sick on my bedroom floor.
14. Very insincerely answered the question; How was your day?
15. Felt loved and cared for under a throw mum bought me for my birthday.
16. Cooked for lots of people.
17. Stayed indoors for 3 days.
18. Felt thankful for the things about myself I take pride in.
19. Felt guilty for doing absolutely anything that wasn’t job applications. Including writing this.
20. Actual full disclosure: I’ve seen all of them. All 7 series. There isn’t a bloody second of Kitchen Nightmares US I haven’t seen. Didn’t even stop watching when, on one episode after the relaunch night of a middle-of-the-road New York Italian joint (can count the restaurants not fitting that description throughout entire production on one hand), Ramsay gave the owner a ring to propose to his girlfriend, the waitress, with.  Completely out the blue.  Not once had the owner mentioned wanting to do this.  Worse, he took it, and probably feeling a little under pressure to make good TV, asked her to marry him during a busy service.  Worse still, she accepted, and the spikey-haired tool staged their wedding THAT NIGHT, right there in the restaurant.  The hardest part to watch being the horrified faces on the mother and father-in-law.
21. Reigned in daily fantasies of a future.

If you too are reading this whilst unemployed or know someone who is. It’s OK.  We’ll get a job eventually.  Everyone procrastinates.  Try not to see rejection as a reflection of one’s abilities or ideas, recruitment is slicked with unconscious bias and prejudice, and luck doesn’t exist.  Do things you like doing for yourself, it’ll help you think clearer.  Work in coffee shops and libraries.  Talk to people who will understand.  Keep the fuck going and I can absolutely 100% wholly recommend dropping your stubbornness and just crossing over the road if you find youself approaching a public penny spender.