I’ve been progressing through Sam Harris’ Waking Up app and I really like it.

He sometimes asks us to look for the self and encourages us to see that there is no self. I’ve struggled a little bit with this instruction, but it has led me to look back at some old notes I’d written from Ekhart Tolle’s The Power of Now. Here are some reflections:

My personality is the result of a specific set of experiences and circumstances – all the people I ever met, places I’ve ever been, roles I’ve had or been attributed. And of course, my physiology and genetics will play a role or set certain parameters or possibilities.

The process by which my personality formed was pretty random. And it was all experienced by this vessel of consciousness. If the experiences had been different, my personality would have been different. Or if you’d given someone else all of my experiences, they could have been me (perhaps not a carbon copy, but you get what I mean).

My personality is not my own. I don’t need to feel personally responsible for it, and also shouldn’t take credit for it.

Some things to practice

At moments when I feel shame, embarrassment or failure, I can remember that my conditioned personality is playing out. It made me try to get it right and want to be accepted; it made me fail according to convention; it made me dislike myself for failing. I can allow myself, for a moment, to be just the empty vessel that came before the personality; my conscious nature. From here, I can observe the personality and be kind to it, as you would treat a child.

At moments when I receive praise or recognition, or whenever I am seeking that feeling, that buzz of being liked, admired or appreciated, I can also stand back and see that no achievement is ever my own. That’s to say, if I attune to my true nature, the conscious vessel that I am, achievements cannot be said to be mine at all. They belong to my conditioned personality that only ever came about through circumstance.

As an aside, some might ask why I’d want to give up these supposedly good feeling?! I’d say they are a false friend. They give you a high, but there is a hollowness to them and vulnerability. They do not bring a feeling of peace. They ignite an appetite.

On being a ‘good’ person

It’s quite interesting to apply this method to the task of trying to be a ‘good’ person. I find myself quite repeatedly trying to be a better person. I’ve noticed that I don’t seem to be getting better at it, despite efforts! For instance…

For a few years now, I’ve been trying to be more generous and truthful. I try to catch myself out if I’m doing things like covering up a failure or ignorance. I’m talking about quite small acts here, just moments when I might be telling someone what to do and maybe giving them the impression that I know what I’m talking about and not admitting ignorance. I should explain that the reason I’m trying to improve myself in this way isn’t moral, it’s more because I feel that being good means having a clean conscience and it feels nice and peaceful.

Well, I’ve found that I am going round in circles a bit and it’s hard to really nail this thing! Maybe the reason it’s hard is not because I’m a bad person and should be better; it’s because this personality was conditioned this way; acquired and passed down. It’s actually quite a relief to see it that way. I can continue to notice the traits as and when they happen. Notice the conditioned personality in action and without judgement. Notice the instincts to protect the ego and notice absolutely everything that there is to notice.